Must-bang Sally

I didn't realise the Salvation Army was such a cult. Harold Bishop on Neighbours made it seem innocuous and gormless. Not to mention old-fashioned. But it seems that's not the case. Besides marching up and down streets banging tambourines and singing for Jesus, it seems that this little group of do-gooders sign their souls over to earthly masters too.

This disturbing story reveals how "officers" in the Sally Army sign contracts swearing that, should their current spouses ever die, they would only marry a fellow Sally Army Officer. That's not just weird. It's morbid.

Besides disturbing me a bit (okay a lot!), this also arouses my curiosity. It begs the question (although they'd probably say it "fundraises the question"), what is that particular rule for? Any rational mind can see that the primary purpose of priestly celibacy is to keep property in Church hands. Do the Sally Army own property? Because of their appeals, I'm guessing they have a lot of second hand stuff but do they have anything that they wanna keep?

Of course, it could be Scientology-style secrecy. They might not want the words of "Onward Christian Soldiers" to fall into the wrong hands.

Or maybe it's a minor point in their overall crazy, half-lived lives:"We're like an army. But we fight for God. With tubas. And bonnets."

Maybe it's all that inter-breeding that makes 'em crazy!

Chips are down for Racist Harvey Norman

Sofa* so not-so-good. Furniture retailer Harvey Norman wishes it hadn't entered into the Irish market. Since entering the market, sales haven't sat* well with chairman Gerry Harvey and with the downturn in the economy things are going from bad to worse. Bitching about trading difficulties in Ireland, Harvey had this to say: "Just imagine you opened in Ireland; you’d want to go and cut your throat. The potato famine, someone said, the return of the potato famine in Ireland!".

What a stool*!

For a start, he should have blamed the nasty design or bad quality of his product. Just because his more tacky countrymen buy his gear in bulk doesn't mean we will. Doesn't he know, we're practically European over here!

What really bugs me is his choice of language. Doesn't he realise how many millions died in the so-called "potato" famine? Couching* his business troubles in this kind of language is an insult to the Irish people. Can you imagine if he went to Israel and used Holocaust references?

I'd suggest a famine-era response, namely a Boycott, but I think our superior taste has already pre-empted that.

Get out of town, Harvey Norman. Your spuds are roasted!

* See what I did there? !

Apocalypse Now or Never?

The End is Nigh! Or so we've been told for millennia. Of course, it hasn't happened yet so that makes a mockery of the word "nigh". Nigh, it seems, isn't so nigh. Or perhaps the real mockery should be at the expense of those who expected "the end" to come sooner. Many religions feature doomsday prophesies - some even with specific dates (with the Seventh day Adventists being particularly hilarious). None, obviously, has been correct thus far. Yet, in spite a rash of failed prophesies, humanity still anticipates some kind of "big finish" to our time on earth. What is it about the human condition that makes us contemplate our collective demise?

And it isn't just the crackpot religious people. You just have to turn on the TV to see how fixated everyone seems to be with all this. From Survivors, a drama set in a post-apocalyptic UK, to Dead Set, a zombie series set on the set for Big Brother, the telly keeps telling us that something truly awful is just around the corner.

Beyond the realms of a faith-driven Armageddon and science fiction, it seems that the natural world is conspiring against us too. If you've been watching the documentary Catastrophe on the origins of life on Earth, you'll know that a sudden disaster isn't all that unlikely a proposition. Nor is a slow, painful one either.

Of course, the difference between religious and non-religious people is that one group genuinely believes that this would be The End of The World.

Here's a short Irish comedy on the same theme.

Help or a Hinderance

Last December, I had my wallet stolen at a club*.

Today, I got a package from An Post containing the same self wallet**.

Is this their idea of a joke?***

*It was in Bukkake: a club where, sadly, I know or am acquainted with the majority of people around me. Or at least vice versa. In other words, someone who knows me stole my wallet.

**The wallet arrived sans cash. Clearly the perpetrator cleaned out my wallet and put it in the post box. How helpful! At least that way, I get my sentimental photos and ID cards back.

***Assuming they posted the wallet into a post box immediately, the idea it took An Post almost a year to open the wallet, check with my bank/college/DVD rental store for my address and mail it onwards is not just frightening. It's incompetent.

The Un-bear-able Lightness of Being

That's Debby. She's a Polar Bear. And after the one in The Golden Compass or the one on top of a Fox's Glacier Mint, she is one of the most famous Polar Bears in the world. Debby is famous because she is considered to be the oldest Polar Bear in the world. I say "considered" because we can't know if that's true*. We haven't met all of them. And they don't register their births. But we do know that she is the oldest Polar Bear in captivity. At least she was until she died this week.

Debby had a degrading kidney condition (Don't we all?) and was a "guest" at the Assiniboine Zoo in Winnipeg, Canada for many years. She was forty-one years old when they "euthanized" her. I'm hoping that was a lot longer in Polar Bear years. Not just for personal (age-related) reasons. You see, I've actually met Debby.

I lived in Winnipeg for a couple of years in the early Nineties and during my stay there I paid a visit to their rather large zoo. I was visiting because Ling Ling and Wong Wong** the Chinese Pandas were on a state visit but I did make it over to see the Polar Bears. And unlike our pee-stained yellow Polar Bears, the Canadian ones are actually white**. This is possibly because they are from up the road (and not from the Phoenix Park).

Either way, I hope you had a happy life Debby. You were way more interesting than the Pandas. And you'll make a nicer rug.


*And only religious people are that certain of anything.
**not actual names or colours.

Answering nature's call

Scientists are losing their shit over sightings of a rare Whale Shark having a dump. It seems that these sharks tend to do their "business" in much deeper water - presumably because human scientists are such voyeuristic freaks. The scientists even collected the poo to take it home with them, claiming that studying the animal's poo will help them understand it better. Hmmm.... That's the same logic I used when I brought some of Twink's excrement home from RTE.

Staying with the voyeuristic: George Takei (who played Sulu on Star Trek) is appearing on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and he's fallen foul of the show's rules on where you can answer nature's call.

The actor (who is gay and therefore clearly unable to follow any rules whatsoever) was caught on nightvision cameras going for a wee within the habitation zone for the campers. Apparently that's a no-no as it attracts rats and then snakes and then aliens from outside the space federation.

Dirty skanky Sulu. What would Dr. Spock say?

Don't be a douche!

Humour goes a long way in making a point.

Dive Bomb

I'm not a very sensible boy. It took ten years of thinking about getting a pension before I started one. And since I started it, I haven't thought about it that much. (Although I am pretty sure it's worth less now than it was a year ago. Damn recession!)

What winds me up about the pension scam* is the way pension-providers use more fear-based advertising than the average Republican election campaign. One ad that really bugs me is the one where the female diver is preparing to dive into an empty swimming pool. Filmed in moody black & white, the girl is clearly in (metaphoric) danger until the pool fills up (thanks to an Irish Life pension) and she can land the finish (or whatever you do in a dive)*.

In the current economic climate, I think a remake of the ad is on the cards. Actually, I'll do it myself. I'll need a diver with a death-wish or any of our legion of drugged up competitive swimmers. I think I'll film it in glorious technicolor. The swimmer will mount the ladder (or whatever you do with a ladder) and begin her dive into a water-filled pool. Sadly (due to global warming and sub-prime mortgages) the pool will no longer have any water in it when she lands. The End.

*What you put in may not bear any resemblance to what you get out (unless you understand fractions). Terms and Conditions Apply. Divers may or may not be harmed depending on the levels of drugs in their system. Water is not guaranteed to be pure H2O.

Declan Buckley, Mossad and God are now friends

Oy! Oy! Oy! One of the things that annoys me about religion is the concept of "religious moderates". They're the people who believe (*ahem) that it is entirely feasible to believe in only parts of their faith. (I'm assuming they are those parts that they think make sense or suit their cause).

We all know the type; they don't go to church at the weekends (or ever!) yet they still want the white wedding. Or there's the person who thinks gays should be discriminated against because of something in Leviticus (all the while ignoring the same warnings about shrimp, haircuts and sharing the company of menstruating women - who wrote that shit?!).

It all demonstrates a very shaky belief in any kind of God - particularly the very vengeful God from The Bible, Talmud or Koran. If you genuinely think the God person is real, surely you won't wanna piss her off by being a crap servant, eh?

Recently, I was most disturbed to hear that a good friend of mine regularly prays "when he needs something" (despite not really believing and the absolute lack of any response to previous prayers). It reminded me of that exam I failed as a kid because I spent the time praying I'd pass rather than actually studying!

The reality is that religion serves people well when they want to be selfish. Or impose their political views on others. Or if they are scared (of death, foreigners, women or their desire to sleep with their soccer-coach).

As a wish-granting factory, religion is way down on the list behind Jim'll Fix It or The National Lottery. As a god, God sucks. Either that or he's on lunch for the last 2000 years.

In my opinion, Technology is the new god. It's far more omni-present. When it works, it works in mysterious ways... And it's certainly all-seeing and all knowing.

Take the tale of the Israeli girl who got out of Military service "on religious grounds". The Secret Service snooped around her facebook profile and found that she had been partying on the Sabbath and generally sinning. Bad girl! (More to the point; is anyone else slightly turned on by the fact that hot Mossad operatives could be scoping about our facebook profiles?)

Poor girl has now been forced to sign up for her full military service. I wonder whether she blames an angry, jealous God... or her stupid privacy settings on facebook?

Cunning Stunts: Ya Gotta Get A Gimmick

Sarah Palin's homespun hockey mom bullshit is making me wanna hockey up something serious. The winking, the hokey turn-off phrase and barefaced (stare down the lens) lies are frightening. She's one scary mama.

One thing that struck me was the intro to the debate as they met for the first time. She tried to disarm Joe Biden by asking (live on mic and, in my opinion, for the Legally Blonde effect), "can I call ya Joe?".

As a gentleman, with more important issues on his mind, Joe says, "Of course!". I watched the entire debate (slack-jawed, admittedly) but I didn't hear her call him Joe once. She called him Senator Biden quite a lot.

The more I see of this lady, she reminds me of school debaters and the silly stunts they used to pull to disguise the fact they had a good speaking voice but nothing to say. Scary thing is those debaters often won.

What a cunning stunt!

Child Abuse

I accidentally* watched Esther vs The PC Brigade on ITV1 tonight. Esther (Rantzen rather than Madonna in her Kaballah costume) used to be about sticking it to gas and electricity companies but now she's all about the kids. And she's calling us on our seeming lack of interest.

For her show, Esther brought two child actors to a busy shopping centre and got them to "act lost". She was then horrified when practically nobody stopped to ask the kids if they were okay. Horrified Esther? Thanks to Dakota Fanning, most normal people hate child actors so couldn't care less if those kids were abducted.

But the real issue was that some men admitted that they wanted to help but didn't. Mainly because they didn't want to open themselves to charges of child abduction/molestation/kiddie rape/kidnapping a child from a supermarket and drugging it and then driving it to an abandoned industrial estate etc... Clearly those men are in a dark, dark place. And I suppose that is the point.

In a classic case of overthinking the situation, modern men are circumventing their natural inclination to care for kids and they're stepping back - just in case the world misinterprets their actions. As a gay man, I've often experienced this. At the end of the day, it's a trade off between what's best for the child and what's best for you (or your reputation). I happen to think that the kid comes first.

Besides, I don't care much for my reputation anyway.

*I don't normally watch ITV. I used to work for ITV so I know it's TV made by "mavericks" for "mavericks"... and I use the term in the sense Sarah Palin uses it.

In the Nick of Time

Went to Will Saint-Leger's Art Raid show last night... What a laugh! The show (which Will's done for the Fringe Festival but I never got to see before) is essentially like a gallery launch except you get to nick pieces of art off the walls as the launch descends into anarchy.

Will met us at the door with a couple of cold beers (and assured us there was loads more. Cheers Will!). We then walked around checking out the artworks. Lots of great stuff. Some shite! Usual gallery experience. The difference to a normal gallery viewing was that each of us was sizing up the pieces and planning which one we wanted to rob once the alarm went off.

There was something thrilling (and maybe middle class) about waiting for our chance to nick something. I got quite giddy (and nostalgic for teenage trips to the sweet shop with the half-blind shop assistant). I actually robbed something before the alarm went off. You can take the kid out of Blanch....!

When the alarm finally sounded, it was bedlam. Some artwork was trashed in the chaos. I got about three cool pieces but there was lots there that I loved. It just got a bit push and shove! Next time I'm packing a blade...

Here's last year's show on youtube

I personally believe (and such as)

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Should Art Have A Price Tag?

It's interesting that, in a month where Damien Hirst (and his management) achieve a historic sales record, Banksy is refusing to authenticate his work for an auction house. Banksy 1, Hirst 0.

Sadly, the reality is that the scoreboard actually reads Hirst €150million to Banksy's much lower earnings. That's because these days much art is valued not so much on its individual merit or success but on the commercial value that we place on it. Of course, "merit" and "success" are relative terms but at least by thinking in those terms we keep art in the emotional/intellectual sphere and not in the financial.

Otherwise, buy a factory and build an assemblyline and get a grant from Fás!

You think we'll love you anyway?

Boyzone appeared on The Late Late Show tonight. I was channel hopping and when I saw "the lads" on the show I had to linger. I was hoping for a repeat of their first ever appearance and it was a bit disappointing. It was just as disturbing and just as desperate. In particular, watching a group of thirty-something men in a boyband and their interaction with Pat Kenny smacked of desperation! Although that just might have been desperation to leave.

Later on the show, Pat interviewed the two sons of a lesbian couple. The young men were so nice and spoke so intelligently about the normal relationship they have with their parents. The sons were articulate and didn't stoop to Pat Kenny's moronic interview style. They had a point to make and they made it. Sadly Pat Kenny was trying to present a divided society and kept pressing them for the negatives.

Pat took the show to new levels of idiocy when he prodded the lesbians for details of the children's conception. Displaying a remarkable lack of understanding of fertility and procreation, Pat seemed fixation on the hows rather than the whys. The ladies were clearly uncomfortable giving the details on live television so Pat pushed more.

"What's this I hear about a Turkey Baster?", asks Pat. " Ah, Pat!", the lesbian replies in dismay. Pat then goes on to make the rather stunning assertion that maybe couples having difficulty conceiving might benefit from this lesbian trick.

Pat clearly doesn't get it. And I don't get Pat.

Ayre today... gone tomorrow

A recent conversation (yeah, it was drunken!) reminded me of Eighties comedy poet Pam Ayres. I don't think we have comedy poets anymore. Or maybe there hasn't been a suitably fabulous one worthy of our attention. Check out Pam's, ahem, talent here:

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin's
Injections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."

How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

Okay, maybe it's not quite as "genius" as it seemed in the those days. Maybe we had less money then. Or maybe we have more vocabulary now. Either way, you might need to hear her in all her Westcountry glory to get how wonderfully weird she was.

Gawd, we miss you Pam. I think.

It's the news... before it even happens!

Those Republicans think that they have God on their side so it's probably no surprise that McCain has claimed victory in a debate that hasn't even happened yet. I'd love to think that Sarah Palin's witchdoctor cast some spells and they're feeling confident. Or that it's just McCain's dementia kicking in. (Poor guy probably can't remember if the debate happened but he just knows he won; after all, he's a goddamn war hero!). And since this is an paid-for ad, this is no editorial error like the famous "Dewey Defeats Truman" headline in 1948.

Sadly, it is more likely part of the spin-machine that attempts to convince the American people that the truth is a lie and that a lie is the truth. Of course, I don't know whether McCain will do well in tonight's debate but, after he tried to weasel out of it, I'd doubt it. The fact is his ads (which may just have run early "by accident" ha! ha!) have quotes that are clearly fictitious. How can people have opinions on how well he did, if it hasn't already happened?

What's truly frightening is how contrived the US electoral system is. The whole thing is based on image, spin and soundbites. And the electorate is left to uncover the truth for themselves. McCain and the Republicans obviously don't have respect for the truth. They most certainly don't have respect for the intelligence of the American people.

The scary thing is that they may have a point.

Yeah but no but yeah (but slower)

Little Britain USA looks like it's going to introduce a range of great new characters (like these freakish body builders) and no doubt a pile of new catchphrases. I can't wait to see it. But I heard that the American version of Vicki Pollard has to speak a lot more slowly so Americans get it (*yawn). Half the point of her was that she had those crazy streams of consciousness where she ended up saying outrageous things that you barely caught. I hope the whole thing doesn't get lost in translation or dumbed down altogether!Having said that The Office survived the transatlantic shift pretty well. Walliams and Lucas are also calling in a slew of celebrities to help out, like Sting who apparently makes out with Walliams in one scene. I'm not really sure how I feel about that... but apparently Sting really liked it. (Poor Trudy Styler!)

The Danger of Sarah Palin

Sam Harris (author of Letter to A Christian Nation and The End of Faith) has an interesting article in Newsweek about the danger of Sarah Palin. While it bugs me that Newsweek position it as an atheist argument*, it's a good, if not terrifying, read. My favourite part is how Harris mocks Palin's claim that she is "ready to take command" simply because she would not hesitate to do so. While Americans lapped up Palin's "when faced with a challenge, you cannot blink" line, Harris proves how stupid it is by changing the context.

"Governor Palin, are you ready at this moment to perform surgery on this child's brain?"
"Of course. I have several boys of my own, and I'm an avid hunter."
"But governor, this is neurosurgery, and you have no training as a surgeon of any kind."
"That's just the point. The American people want change in how we make medical decisions in this country. And when faced with a challenge, you cannot blink.

Well, in that case, Sarah, scalpel away!

(*you don't need to be an atheist to be scared of religious extremism)

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I remember as a school kid, studying a poem called Death Be Not Proud. It had a strong impact on me. Mainly because my grand mother had recently died and I had never faced the mortality of those I loved before. It was the only poem I actually "learned" for class: we were meant to learn them all! I still remember most of it.

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for,
thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow, Die not, poor death,
nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be, Much pleasure, then from
thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and souls delivery.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with
poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better then thy stroke; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleep past, wee wake eternally, And death shall be no more;
death, thou shalt die.

John Donne's poem talks about death's power over us being a fallacy. We can "overcome" death. Of course, what he really means it that once we die we go to Heaven and death "thou shalt die". It's a very religious way of looking at things.

Over the years, I have learned more about death and I've learned more about life. I've learned that we most definitely cannot overcome death. But most of all, I've learned that aspiring to reach heaven values death over life. It devalues our short and mysterious existence in favour of "life everlasting".

As an atheist, the most difficult concept to broach is that when we die, that's it! Within the context of the several billion year old Universe, our short visit is frightening. It is this fear that religions feed upon. Or rather, it is the smug notion that we can somehow cheat death that drives religion.

On that point, I can never understand how Christians position themselves as pro-life when, by their very faith, they are pro-death. As indeed is Islam (hence the endless procession of Islamic fundamentalists willing to die for their place in this so-called heaven). Both religions await the coming of the end of the world and the rewards that will come to the faithful. Getting there quicker is almost a good thing!

We all face the fear of death but why this fear has to be channelled in to "cults of death" is beyond me. Maybe we should face the fear, rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Admit there is a problem, as a therapist might say. And then we can get on with living. (As Phillip Larkin said, "Death is no different whined at than withstood".)

Maybe it's time we realised that we are powerless to do something about death. And that this somehow makes life even more precious. And life thou shalt live! It might actually make life better (than the Bible, Koran or Talmud ever did).

This is a special way of being afraid. No trick dispels.
Religion used to try, That vast moth-eaten musical brocade
Created to pretend we never die,
And specious stuff that says No rational being
Can fear a thing it will not feel, not seeing
That this is what we fear—no sight, no sound,
No touch or taste or smell, nothing to think with,
Nothing to love or link with,
The anaesthetic from which none come round.

What's not Traditional About Same Sex Weddings?

When Christians rant on about "traditional marriage", the tradition to which they refer isn't all that old (if you exclude the fact that some of them believe the Universe is only 10 thousand years old!). But when they imply that same sex unions are a 21st century phenomenon, they're on very dodgy ground.

Here's the science part:

Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the
“Office of Same-Sex Union” (10th and 11th century), and the “Order for Uniting Two Men” (11th and 12th century). These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiatied in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE)and his companion John. Such same gender Christian sanctified unions also
took place in Ireland in the late 12thand/ early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (‘Geraldus Cambrensis’) recorded.

Sounds like gay marriage is pretty traditional to me.

Fox News Fox Up Americans

It's Science, for God's Sake!

I watched Richard Dawkins' documentary about Charles Darwinon Channel 4 tonight. And even though Dawkins comes across as a smug English dandy, the man does put those religious nutjobs in their place! He comes across as exasperated but always logical. He also seems obsessed with Darwin. I've never read Darwin's books but I've read several of Dawkins' books and The Guardian did a really beautiful supplement on Evolution recently which summarised it very succinctly. While I am no biologist, the simple elegance of the Theory of Evolution through Natural Selection (not to mention the body of evidence to support it) makes it impossible for a sane person to dismiss it.

Despite this, insane Christians (excuse the tautology) do dismiss the theory - especially in the United States. Of course, they have to... Modern science is simply incompatible with their literal view of religion. I pity them. It's like a twenty year old still believing in the tooth fairy. Unbelieveable!

I also cannot understand so-called "moderate" Christians who acknowledge that the Creation element of their religion (chaper one of their big book) is entirely fabricated but still somehow believe there's truth in the rest of it. If The Bible was a witness in a court case, the jury would be advised its testimony was unreliable. If it wasn't so scary, it would be hilarious!

Sam Harris, author of Letter to a Christian Nation, is looking into the whole psychology of faith on his site The Reason Project. It intrigues me that so called devout Christians can make death threats in the name of their moral God while Muslims act horrified when the bloodlust of their religion is highlighted. What part of their faith disconnects them from the reality of the world about them?

I'm really starting to think that religion is a mental illness.

Oscar Buzz

I went to the opening night of An Ideal Husband at The Abbey last week. It wasn't exactly a star-studded premiere - but I did see Gaybo. (Hmm. Gaybo and I both got invites to an Oscar Wilde play. I really hope that isn't sonebody's idea of a witty guestlist.) Anyway, the play was very entertaining. It's not my favourite Wilde play but there are some cracking one-liners; some hilarious, others profound truisms. Mark O'Halloran was brilliant and I'm not just saying that because I know him! I think I can say he was the male lead but there was quite a large cast so who knows what the pecking order was! Dearbhle Crotty (my guess as the female lead) was fun although my friends thought she was a bit over-the-top. Clearly I have a different threshold for "over the top"!

The costumes were beautiful period pieces and, for once, the mens' were as interesting as the womens'. The men had formal blacktie for evening scenes but the daywear outfits were my favourites. I'd wear them!

My one gripe about the production was the set. Compared to the amazing trompe d'oeuil black and white set for last year's The School for Scandal, this set was a disaster. The floor was filthy. We could see markings for set pieces. There were exposed electrical wires - most notably the ugly plug within the chandalier.... And somebody please explain the tattered curtain that only streched across half the prosenium arch. Weird!

That said, it was a very enjoyable evening. And now I want to do a play!

Captive Audience

In Captivity at Dublin Zoo.

I heart the Olympics

The Olympics are very important to me! I'm crap at most of the sports that we used to play on the street when I was kid... but the sports from the Olympics are a different matter. For a start they are a lot more glamorous. There's synchronised swimming and diving (where I would kick-ass if I could only swim properly). Also, I can out-ribbon most people I know doing my rhythmic gymnastic and I'm not even classically trained. Actually I'm not trained at all.... I taught myself to control this very "difficult" piece of sporting equipment as part of Shirley Temple Bar's entry in 1997's Alternative Miss Ireland. Needless to say, Shirley won that year and the rest is historical....

All because the lady loves the Olympics. Yes, I heart the Olympics. But still I don't do competitive sports.

Holy God-botherer, Batman!

I finally got a chance to see The Dark Knight last night. And while I enjoyed the movie, I am not at all convinced by speculation that Heath Ledger deserves an Oscar for his role as The Joker. Don't get me wrong... he was great an' all. It's just that I hate the sentimentality surrounding the whole thing. He either does a better acting role than the other contenders or he doesn't. Just because he gone and killed himself shouldn't make him a shoo in come award season.

I do think The Dark Knight is the best Batman movie in the franchise so far (although, I'm not sure I saw the last one!). Christian Bale gets a bad rap but I quite liked him (especially with his shirt off!). I don't get Maggie Gyllenhal at all. Come back Katie Cruise. All is forgiven!

While it would be too easy to see the parallels between the fight against Gotham crime and the US War against Terror, I prefered to see it as a fight against illogical minds and haters. Batman might be the caped crusader but I definitely saw more religious zealotry in The Joker. He subscribes to an external force ("chaos") and is dogmatic about his ideals.

As Alfred the butler says, "Some men aren't looking for anything logical... They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."

These people are so happy to die for their ideas. The only way to really kill them is to prove their ideology wrong!

You can hang out with all the boys...

One of the first records I ever owned was the disco era classic Y.M.C.A. It took the world by storm in the late Seventies but now I suppose it's cheesy pop at its horrifying best! Weirdly, I see this record on children's party albums all the time. Strange; if you consider the song is about men hooking up with men in the showers of the local Y.M.C.A. (And Jesus wept.)

As a kid, I never identified The Village People as gay. (And since it was my mother who bought me the record, I'm guessing she didn't figure that one either!). The "I'm a little teapot" dance moves and the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" costumes clearly worked well as a smokescreen!

Looking at the men now, they seem strangely assexual. Like H from Steps or that children's TV presenter from Rainbow, I wouldn't wanna "do" them. I certainly didn't want to "be" any of them. I guess that's why I didn't end up becoming a construction worker when I grew up. Or a Policeman. Or a Cowboy. (Now, Wonderwoman.... she was aspirational!)

You can hang out with all the The Village People when they play Tripod on Sunday 21 September.

Hollywood Dreams